Living with a brain injury, or other type of cognitive condition is challenging, really, really challenging.
We grapple with things like poor sleep, executive functioning, daily structure, out of control bad habits, and mood instability. When we struggle with simple things like getting out of bed in the morning, or remembering to brush our teeth, this can really impact our sense of agency.
We experience major consequences piling up, like long overdue health screenings, tax penalties, marital strife, or missed insurance premiums. We get mired in existential angst. We experience steady states of overwhelm, punctuated with heart stopping fuck ups. It can also feel like more of a constant drip of dread, like we are barely keeping up, or slipping further and further behind. As the obstacles pile up, we can feel like we are being spanked repeatedly by the Universe with no end in sight.
Certain domains of our lives can take up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth, or may be completely out of control. Areas of our lives can feel literally or figuratively ‘on fire’. Maybe our health is in need of an overhaul, the house is falling apart, we are drinking too much, bills are piling up, relationships are struggling, or we are terribly unhappy.
So, do we stare at the conflagration and just say ‘fuck it’ and write it off as a total loss? Oh, wait, we don’t have fire insurance. Do we load up the car and take off into the sunset? Shit, forgot to change the oil, and don’t have the money to change it anyway. Do we freak out on our loved ones? Now our partner, kids, or pets are scared of us.
If we desperately want to get our lives in order, a place to start would be to stop, drop, and roll. Seriously, stopping and assessing the carnage would be the first step in creating order out of chaos.
Following is a list of common domains of life that can really blow up when not maintained. Let’s call them the Houses.
The Houses:
- Self: State of mind and body, mental, emotional, physical health, self care.
- Routine: Organization, habits, self discipline, structure, tasks of daily living.
- Value/Worth: Finances, job, legal issues, material possessions, ie. bills, house, car, stuff.
- Relationships: Significant others, family, friends, partnerships, peers, home life.
- Expansion: Spirituality, education, passions, goals, interests, fun, creativity.
Looking at this list, we can see which domains pop out as being the most in need of attention. This is a quick way to assess and prioritize, and gets us back in touch with our sense of agency.
For example, we see that our self care has really fallen off. Maybe we are grappling with an addiction, or mental and emotional problems that really need our attention. (House 1)
Or we are struggling with organization, housekeeping, self discipline, studying, getting anywhere on time, or remembering important dates. (House 2)
Or we are struggling with bills, taxes, home or car maintenance, or clutter, and it’s really getting out of hand. (House 3)
Or some of our relationships are really challenging, and in need of tending, or some serious repair, or closure. (House 4)
Or we are having difficulty finding joy, inspiration, or faith and hope in life, and have fallen off our spiritual or creative outlets. (House 5)
If we have 5 alarm fires in several houses, AKA multiple ‘crises’, these are best not avoided or ignored. But where does one start? To prioritize, it makes sense to put out the biggest fires first, as these will have the biggest consequences, and outcomes. A side benefit is that there could be cascading positive impact on the other domains. Not to mention, if we get one fire contained and under control, we will have more bandwidth to tackle the next.
For example, if we are dealing with addiction (House 1), can’t get to work on time (House 2), have financial or legal problems (House 3), are fighting with our co-workers and/or significant other (House 4), and have lost our hope or faith in life (House 5), then dealing with our addiction takes top priority.
If we address the addiction (House 1), our mental and physical health can stabilize. We can develop some basic structure and routines (House 2). Our financial or legal situation can be addressed (House 3). Relationships can improve or resolve (House 4), and we can maybe experience some hope for the future (House 5).
The next step is to assess and access our resources. These could be inner resources like patience and persistence, and outer resources like friends, loved ones, peers, or professionals. We could also take a few moments here to be grateful for things that are going right, or that we still have.
Developing a strategy, perhaps with the help of a trusted other, we can approach the ‘fire’ with a plan. Staying level headed, we can better execute the plan. Better outcomes are assured if we are not in fight or flight. Pacing ourselves, tackling one thing at a time, we can finish without exhausting all our inner resources.
Putting fires out, like tackling big problems, lifestyle changes, or improving relationships, requires fortitude and a dose of humility. It can be hard work to confront big troubles. It can be really hard to do it alone. Finding a support group, community, or friend, to share the project of ‘getting our houses in order’, can make a big difference.
Taking action, getting into the solution, one step at a time, gets us back in touch with our agency. And remember, there is usually a sense of relief that comes when action is being taken, however modest. There can be great relief when a metaphorical fire has been put out.
There is a saying that ‘shared pain is halved, and shared joy is doubled.’ It’s important to take a pause along the way, acknowledge our progress, and thank our allies for sharing this journey. And one day, hopefully in the near future, we will look out across the landscape of our lives with serenity. Holding our garden hoses, with eyes bright, minds clear, and bodies healthy. Contentedly spraying our gardens with the cool, refreshing water of maintenance.
This idea was inspired by the 12 astrological houses. If you are interested, here is a list of them in order.
Astrological Houses (Simplified)
- Self
- Value/Worth
- Communication
- Home Life
- Romance
- Routine
- Partnership
- Transformation
- Expansion
- Career
- Friendship
- Spirituality
PS. I was a fire lookout in Hell’s Canyon, OR in college. Remind me to tell you about the big, BIG fire that happened on my watch.